Growing “Pumpkins”

Each year hubby and I host a pumpkin carving party of some kind.  We’ve had gatherings at our apartment (before kids), in our home (before and with 3 kids of our own), and at church (used as a family ministry activity).

Crowds, food, warm drinks, stencils, carving and decorating supplies, goo and mess, laughter and creativity always marked this fall tradition for the Bakers.

Last year was a little different though.

We were missing a distinct laugh.

We were missing our eldest.

Trauma and PTSD have visited our home like a violent storm these past couple of years.  It led to a year with our eldest in and out of psychiatric hospitalizations and residential facilities.  The pain, questions, confusion, fear and survival behaviors took over and clouded the connection, trust, and love we were building and shared.

This is sometimes the life of adoption.  The path of healing.

Last year, with our eldest living in a residential facility, the challenge to maintain family traditions, continue strengthening connection and bonding, and grow together was beginning to unravel in the storm.

Seemingly.

Our eldest was able to get weekend passes which made our annual visit as a family to a pumpkin patch possible, and the yearly decorating (highly supervised carving included) a reality. Yay!

We lined up the decorated and carved pumpkins along the driveway fence for the season, and frankly beyond.  As we juggled life, the pumpkins stayed right where we left them.

The rains came, as they always do in the northwest, and our pumpkins “melted”.   They caved in on themselves, got soggy and smooshed.  They became increasingly gross and unable to simply be picked up and tossed.

So they stayed.

They decayed.

Until finally, shovel in hand, we moved them to the compost and cleaned up the sliver of dirt and bushes lining the driveway.

Time passed.

Our eldest came home.

As seasons changed, something began to blossom.  Vines began to appear.  Then buds.  Then flowers.

In the same place where life was decaying, falling apart, getting smashed and smothered something was also being planted.

And it was our eldest who noticed this.

I was curious when our unexpected patch began to appear, so I read a few things about growing pumpkins.

 

Tips for growing “pumpkins”

 

• Pumpkins do best when seeds are planted directly in the ground

This was the first comment – Pumpkins do best when seeds are planted directly in the ground.  Apparently the decay and smoosh factor of our carved fall decorations found a way to follow this instruction, and thus our vine began.

As for our other “pumpkins” (our kids in case you aren’t following my analogy) – I would say this bidding also runs true.  The seeds of love, hope, trust, and connection do grow best when planted directly in the ground of their tender hearts.  This calls for words and action, with lots and lots of repetition, commitment, and consistency.

Every day our eldest spent out of our home we visited or called her.  Some days, near the beginning especially, she refused to see us.  But we always showed up.  And she noticed.  She noticed this was not the case for any of the other kids.

Seeds planted directly to the hungry heart.

 

• Pumpkins require a long growing season

Experts say that for pumpkins, this long season generally runs from 75 to 100 frost-free days.

Healing from trauma doesn’t happen overnight either.  When one has spent years living in survival mode it can be very difficult to accept and even cherish the fact that they are actually part of a vine.  That nourishment and survival are dependent upon many things outside of themselves.

Time is needed – and we need to honor the growing and strengthening process.  This involves not taking things personally, giving space but remaining connected, and an awareness of any “frost” that might target our pumpkin.

 

• Pumpkins are big, greedy feeders

Apparently, pumpkins need lots of water and food.  So too do tender, hurting hearts.

When our kids first came into our home we purposefully had gotten rid of the TV and internet in the house.  We did this mostly for us parents, to get rid of the easy babysitter that media can provide.  We had to be there for our kids – and it made a huge difference.  Games, stories, crafts, adventures, shared experiences all coupled with our mostly undivided attention helped to quench their thirsty souls.

 

• Pumpkin vines, though obstinate, are very delicate

I know I think of pumpkins and squash as hearty plants, yet in reality, their vines are rather fragile.  And damaged vines can reduce the quality of fruit in the pumpkin plant. Experts also encourage gardeners to control weeds while being careful to not over-cultivate as their shallow roots may get damaged.

People who have experienced early childhood trauma, while often resilient, can also be very brittle.  Recognizing this, our eldest and I have together explored the idea of love languages (check out info here) and what might be the language she best understands and needs the most.  Hubby and I pay close attention to speaking that expression of love with every interaction.

 

this is what grew in our “patch”

 

So today I harvested 3 pumpkins from our unexpected vine.  How cool is that?

 

“And then I came by. I saw you all miserable and bloody. Yes, I said to you, lying there helpless and filthy, “Live! Grow up like a plant in the field!”

And you did. You grew up….”

Ezekiel 16:16-7  the Message

 

What might be beginning to blossom for you?