Going Back to Move Forward

You know those off limit topics right?  The things we aren’t supposed to discuss in public.

Money.

Politics.

Sex.

Religion.

Walking before crawling.

Wait, what???

Giving birth to my first baby at age 42, I knew I wanted to simply enjoy the entire process, throughout the pregnancy and after.  I have worked hard (and still am) to keep myself from being a zealous nut about our girl reaching the important milestones.

As we approached the crawling stage I discovered quite the controversial topic – just how important is crawling before walking?  From the impact to physical strength all the way to connections to learning disabilities and developmental problems, experts seem to be quite impassioned on both sides of this hot topic – from “its no big deal to skip” to “damaging”.

While teaching some mommy-and-me style classes several years ago, I remember one delightful little girl who did in fact skip the crawling stage and went straight to walking.  Cute as a button and lots of spunk.

One week we had a lot of tunnels set up when I noticed there was quite a backup at one of the obstacles.  Turns out our cute walking friend was a little stuck in the tunnel as she was bending from the hips and waddling through with legs straight.  Over the next several weeks we spent some attentive time on working at bending the knees, and in fact crawling. (and no learning disabilities have been discovered, so there!)

What this showed me was that sometimes you do have to go back in order to move forward.

And little did I know that this reality would become my motto as an adoptive mom.

One of the earliest developmental milestones, and one that continues for our lifespan, is in fact attachment.

Attachment is the process by which we connect to another, develop a sense of security, and ultimately develop an ability to be comfortable with our self.  It begins to form as an emotional bond with a parent (caregiver) when in our helpless state, our needs are met.  This experience imprints on our brain and initiates social, emotional and cognitive development.  Research shows that it influences the ability to form stable relationships throughout life.

Attachment can be secure.  When the attachment bond goes well, relationship building brings the expectation of safety, appreciation, joy and pleasure.

Attachment can also go in the other direction.  When disruptions happen in the attachment process, and especially repeatedly, the brain can experience a state of dysregulation and stress.  This can lead to insecurities, confusion and frustration.

When you think about it, every adoptive child has experienced a disrupted attachment process.

Consider this:  Your adopted child is no longer with the person who gave them their life.  Even if you stood in the delivery room as your child entered the world from their birth mother, or like us, you adopted them at ages 8 and 6 after years of living in foster care, your new child has experienced a loss. A child, even a pre-verbal child, recognizes this somewhere internally.    (for more information about attachment theory check here)

For us, this is an important area where we have found value in going back, with the hope of moving forward.

What does going back look like?

In behavioral science we talk in terms of chronological age (age based on date of birth) versus developmental age (age at which one functions emotionally, physically, cognitively and socially).

A variety of sources impact developmental milestone achievements – health, environment, stimulation, trauma, etc.

Trauma stunts growth.  In some ways it is like pushing the pause button, and sometimes never “unpushing” it.

Our kids went into foster care at ages 2 and birth.  While they came to us at ages 6 and 8, in many ways they were paused at those very young years.

It showed in their social interactions, in their ability to process information and experiences, and in their behavior.  It showed in their ability to connect with us.

So, as a way to go back, we played “Baby”.

Each day we would take time to create a nice cozy “crib”, put on lullabies, grab a bottle, and I would read to them a baby book.

They would practice asking for what they needed the way babies do – crying.  I would do the mom job – lovingly come to them and meet their need.  (they particularly enjoyed pretending to need a diaper change)

I would rock them, sing songs, stroke their hair, dangle toys above their head – the works.

Each play session we would pick a different age and learn together what developmental jobs were to be expected and enjoy “being” that age again.  (To keep myself from going crazy I set a timer for how long this game would last – nothing like an 8 year old body acting like an infant to wear down your parenting resolve!)

To be honest, at times it just felt silly.

But somehow, we knew it wasn’t silly.

We felt it changing us.

Healing us.

Connecting us.

We started doing this as a regular routine, it shortly moved to an activity asked for, and now is a memory we share.

While we no longer play baby, our going back to re-wire our attachment experience hasn’t stopped.

Nor has learning like an infant.

After almost 20 years of marriage and the age of 42, while still awaiting the finalization of our adoption, we got pregnant for the first time.  Surprise!

To be honest, I was very concerned how this would impact our soon-to-be-officially adopted kids.  I didn’t want them to wonder, much less worry, about what this meant for them being in our family.

And they never did.  How great is that?

It was clear that this baby was a gift, and apparently something our eldest daughter prayed for!

As our “Mountain of Grace” (the meaning of baby girl’s name), each day as she grows and develops is another chance for our older kids to go back and receive, as well as give, those important healthy attachment experiences.

The healing continues!

1 week before finalization of adoption

The Bakers

 

How might going backward help you go forward?