Memories play such an important role in our lives.
Research has helped to identify that memory is designed to remember first and recent experiences. We can remember our first kiss and our most recent kiss, but often all those “in-between” ones fade in our detailed reminiscence. (maybe we aren’t kissing the right people!)
I was such a nerd in high school that when I came across this information and research I applied it to my study habits. Knowing that I would most likely remember first and recent bits of information, I made my study blocks as short bursts – 20 minutes, a break and back at it again in order to create more first and recent opportunities. As an actress I learned my lines with this method as well. I found I could indeed learn and retain information faster and “deeper” with this approach.
Now, parenting two adopted children I have found myself fascinated with the impact of memories, how memory works, why certain experiences imprint on us over others, and the differences in shared recollections. Our walk through trauma and memories, executive functioning and brain development education has lead us into the world of “working memory”.
Researchers believe working memory is central to the functioning of the mind. It ties in with many more general abilities and outcomes – things like intelligence and scholastic performance – and is linked to basic sensory processes. Working memory is the ability to hold and wield information in mind, over shorter bits of time. It’s like sticky notes – holding “data” together until it is needed. It is often referred to as the key to learning as “rehearsed” information can lead to memories becoming more permanent.
With children who have very low working memory “scores” and slow processing speeds, the role of memories, recollections, remembered experiences are no less important than for neurotypical individuals.
And boy has this week reminded us of that!
It was birthday week in our house, the welcoming to the official teen years. Birthdays are like kisses – they play an important part in our life, so “firsts” and “recents” flood the memories. We had excitement, joy, anticipation and love mixed with fear, severe hurt, pain, confusion and violent episodes.
Recent memories centered around the formation of now birthday traditions – bedroom door decorated so upon awaking the birthday celebrator greets the day with streamers, balloons, festivities, along with birthday dinner out – our go-to being Red Robbin. Emails and texts from family members are anticipated and received with great delight. It is clear that in these 4 years of being together, these traditions play an important role in M and A’s lives. These are the delightful, fun, happy and exuberant moments of the week.
However, first memories flooded M as well, and with them lots of questions about bio-family, the why’s, and many things that we simply don’t have answers for. This set the stage for the “low moments” of the week along with the ensuing emotional breakdowns and violent incidents. More than teen angst – this is effect of childhood trauma.
What I am learning is that attempting to suppress these thoughts and first memories, which is what our M thought would naturally happen upon adoption – they would “just go away”, has the unfortunate consequence of making that very thought/memory more likely to return to awareness later.
“Just don’t think about it” – happens to be the worst advice.
So once again, I am trying to apply information I have learned about first and recent memory impact to “increase” our learning, our healing, while recognizing that low working memory scores of my children mean that this process won’t be like my own path.
How?
I have encouraged M to do something creative and connective when memories, especially painful ones, come up. Draw them out, re-write them as a cartoon, share them with someone. (I was so blessed when she shared with me her bio-family journal which is currently being filled with questions she would ask of them if she could) And to keep myself, and M, from the “just don’t think about it” approach, I address it with curiosity and an “it makes sense” attitude.
As we establish ‘recent’ memories, I am all about creating traditions, retelling stories, and handling things with mini-conversations as a means to increase the amount of new first and recent experiences. This mini-conversation approach is very useful when dealing with low working memory abilities as it gives us greater “space” for mental sticky notes, more opportunities for application and transference of information, and helps me as a parent to be okay and patient with excessive amounts of repetition.
And the biggest help in how – acceptance. Accepting that for A and M, big life moments are going to be both exciting and heart wrenching.
Together we are learning how to Walk the Contented Life.
What are the big “firsts and recents” in your life?